My life so far / This is my confession

Obviously, I couldn't write everything, because lord knows I've had enough happen to write a novel. But, I'm good with summaries. I can pretty much summarize anything, unless I'm talking about my feelings. That... takes a while. I'm a complex girl. But to summarize my life up to this point? I can give it to you in one word.

Rollercoaster. Now... I'm not talking one of those slick, high tech, brand new coasters that make you feel like you're getting a really good pedicure rather than being flung through the air with nothing but metal and wire keeping you alive. I'm talking those old, rickety wooden coasters from back in the day (which, Dane Cook, was actually a Friday, just so you know) that made you genuinely fear for your safety and the safety of others. You know the ones I mean. The ones your dad won't go on, because he has a bad back. The ones you take you little brothers and sisters on for their first rollercoaster ever, because you're evil and because you know none of the other ones will scare them after that. The kind that gives you chills just looking at it.

I'm on that one. Constantly.

There are times when I think that can't be a good thing. I mean, constantly being afraid and in a precarious situation can't be good for your health or at the very least, your heart rate. I mean, I spend all of my waking moments wondering when the wheels are going to come flying off or when the track will come loose and plummet me into sweet oblivion.

Not healthy, yeah?

Now, I'm not trying to say that there aren't good moments. That rush of climbing that hill only to look down and see what lies ahead... there's nothing like it. All the near misses and close calls can be exhilarating. It makes you feel really and truly alive.

But just imagine being stuck on the same rollercoaster for days at a time. Weeks. Doesn't sound quite so fun, does it?

That's my life. It's the life that a lot of people live with, really, and in the grand scheme of things, I think I've dealt with it pretty well so far. If by dealing with it, I meant closing my eyes and holding on tight hoping that the car I'm in won't careen off the tracks. Which is what I do. It's what a lot of people do when they're like me.

Come on up, kids and take a death defying (sometimes, sometimes not) ride on the Bi-Polar Express.

Part 2

The reason I started this blog was for semi-selfish reasons. I got pissed at someone and wanted to prove them wrong. That I could be completely, 100% honest about anything and everything and not hold back. So... that's what I'm going to do. It isn't going to be easy. Anyone who knows me knows I want people to be happy all the time, and being honest about how I feel about them and things in general doesn't always coincide with that objective. But... I want to prove that I can do it. For my friend and for myself. So I'm going to start with some random, general truths. I'll make lists of them on every blog, and I may go in depth on some of them if the mood strikes and some of them may only be one sentence. But no matter the length or topic, I can promise they will be the truth, no matter how ugly or scary that might be.

-- I have a terrible fear of crickets. Not your ordinary itty bitty ones. But the honkin' big black ones that will chase you out of your bedroom when you move the curtain back trying to figure out where they hell that chirping is coming from.

-- I am terrified of being in love ever again. I've only been in love, REALLY in love, twice. Once with someone I was with and once with someone I couldn't have. No matter what he thinks or says or whatever... I loved Will. To a fault, actually. And I know a lot of people who know me don't understand why, nor do I expect them to. You can't choose who you love. That is definitely a fact I've come to deal with over the last few years. I loved him more than I had loved anyone and I hate that that changed for both of us. Now neither of us can stand one another for various reasons and it makes me sad. And then there was Patrick. Patrick... I wish I knew how to explain it. I knew the first time we talked. We spent the entire night just talking and hanging out, like we'd known each other all our lives. We were so different in just about every aspect of our lives, but for whatever reason, we just clicked. Inconvenient, considering we were both very much in love with other people. He had Krista, whom he'd been with since high school, on and off for almost ten years at that time. And I had Will. Despite the ridiculous attraction, nothing ever happened between us. One time we damn near kissed and I stopped it, because I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I wanted to, lord knows, but I just couldn't. So, no matter what Krista or Will thinks, and, believe me both of them have made their opinions and thoughts on the subject completely clear... nothing ever happened. But I still love him. I don't think that will ever change.
So I'm not looking to be in love anymore. Both times were completely heart-wrenching and I don't want to go through it again. Of course, sometimes your heart makes up it's own mind.

-- I will do anything and sacrifice anything for the people that mean the most to me. I can have ten dollars to my name, and if someone I care about needs it, I don't even think about keeping it. Money is a big deal, but certainly not as big of a deal as friendship and helping people. I will drive four hours, round-trip out of my way just to pick someone up when their car breaks down. I will miss work, miss parties, miss just about anything. Nothing is more important than the people that I care about the most in this world.

-- I love Tequila. Tequila, as of late, definitely doesn't love me back. It'll be a while before I drink it again, and I will definitely not drink it without having eaten all day.

-- I can not be more excited for Oct. 23-26th.

-- While I am a definite Obama supporter, I actually admire Sarah Palin. I don't agree with her on a lot of her fundamental ideals, but that's because I'm pretty much not a Republican. Like, at all. But what I do admire about her is her spunk. Her never back down attitude. The idea that she's not going to change who she is... it's refreshing. Still voting Obama. But I like her. She definitely has a future.

-- And finally, the most important truth for me to get out here, personally. Not everyone will understand what I'm talking about, and some of you will know exactly what I'm talking about. But regardless, here it goes. No matter how scared I am or how much I don't want it, you mean a lot to me. I tried not to care. I didn't want to, but I do. And all those things in you that you see as faults? Aren't faults to me. Granted, sometimes they piss me off and I want to throw things at you... like chainsaws... but they're a part of you and I'm okay with that, even when you're not. We had a conversation a while back about how you didn't think anyone could bear your children, and I laughed, because mostly I agree. But I don't want to bear your children. Or any children for that matter. I don't want to hold you down or try and turn you into something you aren't. I don't want you to give me anything, and I wouldn't ask for anything you couldn't give. I just want to be here. In whatever capacity it may be. For as long as you can stand to be around me. Which is a difficult challenge sometimes, I know. I know I can be confusing and that I don't always talk about my problems and that it drives you batshit crazy when I tell you nothing's wrong when something very obviously is. I know I get too loud at random intervals and freak out about stupid things that don't matter, like crazy Mexican ladies cutting me off at the grocery store. But you put up with all of that. And THAT is why you're the most amazing person I know.

-- Also, I am completely terrified of posting this, but if anyone out there's reading this, then I'm not such a coward after all.